Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Danny Awards!

When I posted about aborted projects, I forgot The Danny Awards. They were to be Danman's answer to the Oscars, complete with clips of the nominated films, shots of my actors crossing their fingers and looking tense, and, of course, bloated and tearful acceptance speeches. (See the original handwritten list of nominees here!) It was pretty much impossible to pull off without editing equipment, so the idea died.

Tonight, I bring it back to life. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to...


Who's that good-looking fella in the tux? Why, it's me, your host!

It's my privilege to finally be able to honor the very best of the very worst. The four awards I'll be presenting tonight are:
  • Most-Deaths Award (aka "The Corn Syrup Award")
  • Danman MVP (aka "The I-Was-Just-Always-There Award")
  • Best Worst Actor
  • Best Worst Film
No extended opening musical number here. These actors have waited long enough for their overdue recognition--so let's get this show started!

It took me a long time--a very long time, you have no idea what I've gone through--to tally up every death scene in Danman Productions. When I finished scorekeeping, I discovered a shocking three-way dead heat between myself, Joe, and Jami, with eight deaths each. So who deserves the award?

Not me. I often killed myself off early so that I could spend my time running the camera (witness my hasty demise in such films as Night of the Living Dead and The Blob). And Joe? As my most persistent leading man, Joe's death-count was but a statistical residue.

Therefore, the award goes to... Jami!

With an atypical amount of enthusiasm from the director (and pints of my sticky blood substitute), Jami got strangled, stabbed, and shot (repeatedly). Plus, he complained about it a lot, something you'll see in the mockumentary Sex, Drugs, and Film: The Rise and Fall of Danman Productions - Part I. Jami, for your trouble, please accept this award. Now get over it!

Who really put in the man-hours? Over the past year, I've dutifully tagged every blog entry with the names of the featured actors. Once you add them all up, you realize three things:

1) I was in everything. Well, no duh.
2) Joe was in almost everything. Again: duh.
3) Julie was in just as many movies as Joe.

What? Say again? Is it possible we have a dark-horse contender for MVP? Well, let me just open the envelope and see... Why, yes, the winner is Julie!

Why does she look so crafty? It's because she knows something you don't know. Who do you think was running the camera all those times I was on-screen? Oh, sure, sometimes it was Jami or Joe, but more often than not it was Julie. Maybe she didn't get the glory, but Danman Productions couldn't have "succeeded" without her. Congratulations, Julie.

Let's pretend--just for a moment--that we were talking about actual acting ability. In that case, it would be a horse race between Shad and Matt N. Those two had chops, and I tip my hat to both of them. Good show, gents.

But the Danman audience isn't interested in chops. They crave bad accents, inappropriate laughter, and that deer-in-the-headlights gaze you can't learn with a lifetime of lessons--it's a gift you have to be born with. This is one award whose winner was long ago foretold.

I present to you, ladies and gents, Joe. [Thunderous standing ovation.]

Joe was as bad in the first film as he was in the last. Despite starring in over 30 Danman Productions, Joe's skills never advanced--and that's why we love him. It didn't matter if he was portraying an abusive father, a psychotic priest, or Dracula, he never knew what emotion to play and could never, under any circumstances, stop laughing. Thanks to him, we're still laughing all these years later.

You try winnowing down Danman Productions to five worsts. It ain't easy. Obviously, if we were talking "Best Best Film," there's no question--The Godfathers: Part Two puts everything else to shame (although there is an underground contingent that insists The Bastard Chicken Clock from Hell is my Citizen Kane).

After months of tortured consideration, the nominees for "Best Worst Film" are...

The Blob...

Breakdown: The Eugene Brinkmeister Story...



...and Night of the Living Dead.

And the Danny goes to...Yes! Yes! I knew it! The Blob!

You can watch the entire thing above. And you should. Though not ambitious in any way, shape, or form, this 9-minute ditty is the zenith of everything that makes Danman Productions great: the catastrophically dismal pairing of Joe and Ben, matchbox cars being pulled by string, model houses being attacked by garbage bags... need I go on?

A final hearty congratulations to tonight's winners. I'll see you at the afterparty, where I fully expect to get beaten up.

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At February 19, 2010 at 6:19 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...


can't wait for after partay!!!!!!

now, that they are all up I'll watch and rewatch all of them to study your craft and how you did it all so well. :)

At February 19, 2010 at 6:20 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would like to start by thanking my parents, without them this could not have happened. But I have to say that most of the credit goes to Dan. He believed in me, when no else would. So thank you Dan, thank you for killing me all those times and pouring all the fake blood over me. It was worth every second of the pure hell you put me through. :) -jami

At February 19, 2010 at 6:21 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

congrats all. I'd like to say for the record that I was robbed. I also think the blurb written about Joe needs to be part of his (real) obituary. -jen

At February 19, 2010 at 6:22 AM , Blogger DK said...

Hear that music, Jami? That's the band, playing you off the stage.

Jenny had so much promise, but after making a big splash in "Misery," she walked away from Dannywood. She couldn't take the media scrutiny.

At February 25, 2010 at 6:17 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did put one line for my gravestone -- " NO. IT CAN'T BE"!!! -joe

At March 13, 2010 at 1:11 PM , Blogger PastorHawk said...

How the HELL was I not nominated for Best Worst Actor?! I mean, there wasn't even any nominations, just crown Joe the winner and move on? What a complete snow job. I must have changed accents AT LEAST ten times in GF2. I deserve some recognition for the bad effort. I'd like the panel to please reconsider.

At March 13, 2010 at 3:50 PM , Blogger DK said...

If the award had been for G2, you would've had a fighting chance - that Russian Roullete scene is legend. But as this was for the whole of Danman Productions - and you were in, like, one of them - you were a dark horse at best. Sorry, dude.


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